I feel like I’ve been an adult for my entire 21 years of life. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up. By the time I had officially been declared a teenager, I was totally over it. Adults always told me that I was mature for my age, and I believed them. Now that I’m on the brink of true adulthood, I wish I had the ability to turn back the clock to the period where nothing really mattered. Between you and I, it’s obvious that I have been living a lie. I didn’t know what it meant to be mature until I left everything behind to go abroad and live on my own in London for four months. That experience completely changed me. I was isolated from everything I’d ever known and I had to learn how to adapt without my parents there to guide me along the way. I learned a lot about myself in a short amount of time and when I returned to the States, I was different. I didn’t know what about me had changed at the time, but now I’m sure of it: I grew up. Somehow, I had matured into the person I was supposed to be. I don’t know why it happened there, but I’m glad it did.
“The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.”– Helen Mirren, quoted in Esquire’s “What I’ve Learned”
These past few weeks have been the most difficult of what seems like my entire life. I’ve had to deal with some overwhelming circumstances, but I’m fortunate not to be going through it alone. For the first time, I understand what it means to have someone be there for you. People can pray for you all they want, but the ones that truly care are checking in on you every day. They’re doing more than being aware of your situation. To me, family isn’t about blood– it runs deeper than that. Family is a group of souls that are connected by a strong bond that cannot be broken. I am so blessed that in addition to the relatives that have been passing through, my inner circle of friends have shown their support as well. Of course, that doesn’t go without saying that I have been disappointed by those who have chosen not to be present at this time. It hurts when you realize people that are supposed to be close to you distance themselves so far apart to a point where they are unreachable, especially at a time when you need them the most. Instead of holding it against these individuals, I have decided that it would be best to forgive and forget them. When people want to be a part of your life, they are willing to do whatever it takes. If they need space to figure that out, so be it.
This year, I have reached so many new highs and hit all time lows, but I know that I am a better person because of it. I have healed old wounds and my heart is ready to open itself up to love; may the passion continue to course through my veins in heavy doses!
The only thing I ever knew
With the time I know I’ll have to choose, no
Stay beneath the ground
Hide away from you
I sink into the crowd
If it meant that I’d escape your eye”